Axis Lunch.

Saddam walked to the bistro knowing that this lunch was going to be bad.
He had been getting phone calls from that little German man ever since he had arrived in Hell.
The first one had been when Saddam was being processed in the security line in the entry terminal.
Some lesser demon was digging through his bags when a the loudspeaker cracked to life; Saddam Hussein, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
He had ignored the call, and simply gone through the rest of the processing.
In a few short days Saddam had moved from the Paris Hilton Motel and into his own post war ranch just at the foot of the Hell E Wood hills.
In the weeks that followed Saddam got a good job with the post office and had his own route.
Still every night when he returned home his answering machine and e-mail box was full.
That little German creep!
So it was to be that Saddam was to give in and agree to meet.
The bistro was empty save for the passed out drunk, and the creep.
"Saddam, I am so pleased you came!" Said the creep as he stood and welcomed Saddam to the table. "Please, sit, I have so much to ask, so much to offer..."
Saddam set his hat on the table and took the chair opposite his host.
"Do you know who I am?" the creep asked.
Saddam felt an intense hate for the man. Here was a person, an enemy, so full of his own importance that he could not see that he was in fact a little no body.
"My name is Adolf Hitler and".
"I know who you are" Saddam interrupted "Every child knows of you."
Hitler looked both pleased at being recognized, and disturbed at being interrupted.
Saddam leaned in and spoke in a slow even tone;" You were a disturbed little puppet, your doctor had you impaired on drugs, your staff were degenerate idiots, and you never got your hands dirty. Sure you had millions killed at your order, but you rose to power because other people wanted it, You had almost god like power and respect when you started, but you squandered it and became a sad little joke of a man."
Hitler stood so fast his chair fell on its back, His face red and swollen with anger.
"You dare slander me?" Hitler shouted, fists waiving in little circles.
Saddam stood and stepped around the table and into Hitlers face in one fluid movement that also brought the blade of his dagger inches from Hitlers nose.
"I killed many in my time you pathetic little man, I felt the life drain from my enemy's, I Stood up to the Americans and I have divided them, I have turned their old allies against them, I Did this, not you. Call me again and I will kill you."
Saddam turned, picking up his hat, and strode away.
Hah, Fuck Hitler...Bitch!

Afternoon delite.

The summer of 1994 had me working on my GSX-R 750 in front of the apartment building I lived in up in La Crescenta.
Now I had just pulled a set of upside down forks from a 91 from the salvage yard and had put them on my bike and this day was out on the front sidewalk bleeding the brake lines.
Now I was on the sidewalk because the apartment complex had a rule that said you could NOT work on any car or bike on the property.
Now this rule it seemed was only to be enforced by managers wife on me.
The guy down the hall with the fake ass Shelby Cobra could pull the engine on his rod with the manager and wife standing right there in front of him, all of em drinking beer and chatting.
God forbid she spot me with a screwdriver in my hand, It was "Burr, remember the lease agreement, no mechanic work on our property."
Now the city of Glendale had a law that forbid fixing ones car or bike on the street.
So, now I was trapped.
So what did I do?
I got stupid!
I decided to turn the sidewalk in front of the complex into my garage!
I would roll my bike up the street and around the corner to park it on the sidewalk in front of the building and work on it in front of some empty units.
Only one day the unit was not empty.
Bro and I were outside working on something, I do not remember what, with our backs to the building.
Bro and I were talking about packing it all up for the day when I heard the sound.
If you are a guy you have heard the sound, if you are a woman you have made it.
"Ohh".
Yes, that sound.
So here we are, outside in the kind of heat that Hitler and Saddam are feeling right now in Hell as they have beer and pork sausages.
"Ohh yes..."
Oh fuck! here we are, on the sidewalk and someones fucking some chick right behind us.
I glance over my shoulder.
OH FUCK! the window is OPEN, and I can see them!!!
What to do?
We can't sit here while they go at it, and they were getting louder by the second.
Grab the tools and push the bike out of here!
Shit, I have tools on the other side of the bike, And I will have to face that open window to get them!
Fuckfuckfuck!!!
"O.k. Bro grab the tools on this side of the bike as I get up and walk around to the other side, only match my moves so you are always blocking me from them."
This works. we gather the tools and parts as the girl is yelling in Korean and throwing in the occasional "Yes, Fuck me".
Bro has the tools and I am on the left side of the bike getting ready to push it down the street.
Only I glance at the window.
Do not ask, I don't even think it was in my control, My eyes had a mind of their own.
There they were, on the bed. She was naked (nice titties) on all fours and he was behind her pounding away.
And they were both looking at me as I tried to pull my eyes out of their bedroom.
She winked at me.

I said Lanolin, Motherfucker, not this aloevera bullshit!

It's June or July, and I am shotgun in Bro's 74 Super Beetle.
The thing is running up the 134 on a bombing run to Fry's electronics.
I say bombing run because that is what I can imagine it was like for my Grandfather riding in the belly of a B-17 over Germany; Loud and things are rattling, you can feel the engine as it burns the fuel. All very rough edged and primitive.
The very core of cool!
So we make our way through the swarms of suicide bombers in Glendale and emerge alive and well in Burbank.
The Burbank airport is going through changes right now, we get to see the steel bones of a building that was once a factory that made p-51's and Hell Cats.
The only other thing standing in the factory is this great big blue/green press. The thing has got to be at least three stories high. In the end it was taken out by T.N.T., or Cemtex. Too big and bad to go down by a wrecking ball. Bad ass piece of equipment, the end of an era.
So we get to Fry's, and park.
Fry's on the weekend is a madhouse, I know in other states it has a grocery store and blah blah blah, but the Burbank store is an icon. So fuck you!
This place was itself a factory that cranked out fighters in the 40's to beat the crap out of the Jap's and Krauts. Now it is something from a 1950's sci fi movie.
The outside has a huge flying saucer crashing into it.
The inside is just as cool. Giant Ants for the movie "Them" are over in the appliance section.
"Gort" The big silver robot from "the Day The Earth Stood Still" stands, blond in his arms at the beginning of the Television section.
I could go on about the aliens and planes but I would rather you check it out for your self if you can.
I may take pictures to post sometime, if the staff let me.
ANYWAY... Bro and I are looking for bad movies and as we are walking up one of the isles "It" happens.
We have all had one of those moments when all the planets are in alignment and freaky shit happens.

So here we are, I am walking up this aisle, Bro is a step behind me. There are people behind and in front of us, and I see it.

Now let me be clear: I JUST SAID "IT"!

Walking towards me is a couple.

A couple of queers, one looks like a normal queer, the other looks like the Woman skin dress making killer from "Silence of the Lambs".

Only these two fucks are well over six feet tall, and at least 200 pounds.

They look like they are weight lifters or something, and that just highlights the absurdity of the tranny dudes appearence.

Now let me set the tone, if you met me and Bro on the street this day you would think you were looking at a 180 pound skinhead and a even taller redneck.

So as I am walking towards the deviants I am thinking who would win the fight, The Springer guests, or the rejects from Fight Club.
Now our closing distance is about six (YES 6) feet and something horrifying happens.
I hear this voice behind me, In a perfect imitation of Buffalo Bill call out; It Puts The Lotion On The Skin!
I Mean HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Bro has to cut loose just as I get into striking range of Bill!
I am trying not to laugh, but when I hear other people around us start laughing I lose it.
I am laughing and on the inside I am playing out the ways this is going to turn ugly.
Bill is going to fucking run a fist out the back of my head and eat my brains!
I can see him respond, I keep walking and pray for some sort of Divine intervention.
People on both sides of the aisle are laughing and looking at Bill and his boyfriend.
I think that this could be the reason I still have all my teeth, and Bro didn't get his asshole turned into a cockring, too many witnesses around.
Still even today this is one of the funniest moments of my life.
Thanks to Bro and his sharp wit, and total lack of self preservation.

Schrodengers Cat.

The puzzle of Schrodengers cat is one of observation.
Is the cat alive or dead inside the box? one does not know until the cat is observed. Until the observation has occurred, the cat is in a state of neither death or life.

Or in a simple sense the cat just "is".

Cat; the other white meat.

Much has been said about the use of cat in fine dining.
there are some considerations before you go into the consumption of feline dishes.
The first and most important is the choice of cat.
It is no small task. If you are looking for a fine cut with a tender and pleasing texture suited to gourmet applications then the farm bred and raised "pet store" or "house cat" makes the ideal candidate.
On the other hand a nice stew or open pit roast works better with the "free range" or "stray" cat.
Once you have decided on a menu and choice of cat you have many considerations.
The most obvious is; Wine.
What goes best with cat?
Again the answer is not about the cat, but how it is prepared and what are the side dishes. More on this later.
First lets cover the cleaning and preparation of the cat.
Assuming that the cat has already been culled, you will need to tie off the penis(to prevent urine from contaminating the meat) and tie off the anus (for the same reason).
Next use wire to bind the animals hind legs together and suspend it over a bucket.
Using a skinning knife run a shallow cut from the throat up to just in front of the groin.
Next cut around the tail section so this cut begins and ends at the top of your first cut.
Pull the skin aside and using the same knife cut to the left and right of the animals throat, allowing the blood to drain from the carcass.
This may take a while so go have a smoke or go watch the Springer show.
When you come back the carcass should be bled dry. Use clippers to remove the animals front feet and if you can use the clippers to remove the head as well.
Next pull the skin down off the animal and let it drop into the bucket.
Take your short Sheff's knife to open the body cavity, always use a down stroke.
You will be able to pull the organs and intestines out and let them drop into the bucket. Make sure that you have the inside of the carcass clean before you proceed to the next step.
Take the animal down and remove the tail and hind feet.
You should now have a nice carcass ready to be cut into sections.
Follow the same pattern that you would for a cow.

Now, What is it going to be?
A ball game week end is simple; feed the meat into a grinder and mix it with egg and bread crumbs for cat burgers.
Another option is to make some classic old world sausage, this too can be cooked on the grill. And when it comes to sides; Baked potato, corn on the cob, what have you.
A fine german lager would be best with this.

Of course use the legs and lower parts for grinding, Save the thighs and rump for the real gourmet work!

A fillet of cat is always a great first dinner date at home meal.
First set a nice red wine (or Cabernet) in a bucket to chill.
As always have all your ingredients ready, first prepare your vegetable dish, but take it off the heat a little early. Don't worry, they will finish cooking with their own heat.
Take a cast iron skillet and season it with olive oil and a pinch of sea salt.
While the skillet heats, take your cat fillets and dip them in your seasoning, be sure to coat both sides.
Your seasoning should be; 1/4 cup dark Chilli powder, olive oil and ground fennel seed.
The seasoning should be a paste, thick but not clumpy or dry.
Check the skillet with a drop of water. If the drop sizzles and disappears right away you are ready to go.
Drop the fillet onto the skillet and let it sear until you see the amount of steam decrease. Then flip the fillet over and repeat.
Once both sides are sealed cut the flame by half and add 1/4 cup of red wine and let it all cook for at least twenty minutes on the low flame.
Now once the fillet is done, remove it to a rack and take 1/4 cup more red wine and add it to the pan. As it all heats up add puree mango 1/4 cup and bring the heat back up.
Stir the sauce until it thickens and has a even field of small bubbles in its mass.
Take you dinner plate, place the fillet in the center and place the vegetables around the outside edge. spoon on just enough sauce to cover the top of the fillet leaving the edges and sides free.
Serve with your choice of wine enjoy the evening!

moneymoneymoneymoney...MONEY!

Need I say where this is, or what they were doing to get all this cash?

Drugs in Mexico...

Diana and Fritzie.

Vegas Baby!

Went to Vegas to help brotherman move back to L.A., it was a cool little male bonding sort of road trip, and got to watch a bunch or brit television in the process. Good deal!
Got a lot going and yet have nothing going.
Hmm, have to do something about that...